Is my teen actually ready for college?

College is a big step for anyone, and especially for teens who have struggled emotionally throughout high school. Big transitions are difficult for anyone. And while your teen may be excited about this new adventure, you as a parent may be experiencing conflicting emotions.

On the one hand, you’re ready for them to succeed.

On the other, you worry that you haven’t done enough to prepare them.

Is the Drive to Succeed and Be the Best a Double Edged Sword?

Friends, I don’t know if I would own my private practice if I wasn’t a bit of a perfectionist. I’m not sure if I would have the drive to put in all of the time, energy, and effort into running a business if I didn’t feel this nervous undercurrent about being successful.

And at the same time, I know that anxiety feels like a motivator because it wants us to keep using it. It tricks us into feeling that we wouldn’t work without it.

So every day in my business, and every day that I’m working at home or checking emails past normal business hours, I take a step back and remind myself: I’m working hard because of my values, not because of my anxiety.

Because anxiety is always going to end up getting in the way.

It will grow too big and it will keep us from succeeding. Which is what we must teach our successful teenagers as well.

Temper tantrums, conduct disorder, school behaviors, over control, fighting with siblings - all of these anger management problems can actually be signs of anxiety.

Many parents are surprised to hear that their child with disruptive behaviors could have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety and anger operate on very similar physiological responses in the body, meaning that increased heart rate, breathing, and muscle tension can lead to an anxious reaction or an angry one. It’s very important for parents to ask themselves:

Is my child angry, or just anxious?

“My child won’t go to school anymore - now what?”

Children with anxiety often have trouble in the school setting, regardless of how that anxiety is presenting. You may have a child with separation anxiety, generalized anxiety, or specific fears about the school environment. All three of these diagnoses can play out in a myriad of ways - but regardless of how the anxiety looks, it can leave you feeling helpless as a parent.

Anxiety often becomes more noticeable in elementary school, because of the environment.

There’s a huge switch from getting to stay at home or in a small daycare to having to attend school 5 days of the week.

Parenting an anxious child can be anxiety provoking in and of itself.

And if you’re a parent who is already prone to anxiety, seeing your child develop their anxiety can bring up some uncomfortable emotions for yourself. Many parents I work with report feeling guilt, shame, anger, frustration, fear, sadness, and so on about the impact that their anxiety has on their kids.

But what if we took a step back from all the shame and guilt?

Let’s figure out what goes into anxiety before blaming ourselves.

“Am I making my child’s anxiety worse?”

“I always was anxious as a kid, and so I’m worried my child gets it from me.”

“I have anxiety, too, so I know it’s my fault.”

Parents often call me with these questions and comments. As a parent, it can be hard when you see your child struggling with the exact same issues that you had. You want to help them, and you also feel a little bit…guilty. Maybe it’s your fault they’re this way.

But it’s really not your fault

And feeling guilty, even if it makes sense, doesn’t make things easier. So let’s take a step back and figure out what is leading to your child’s anxiety in the first place.

Starting next week, we’ll begin our 8 week series on anxiety and parenting - and there’s a lot that we’ll be digging into:

1. The Building Blocks of Anxiety

2. Managing Your Own Anxiety as a Parent

3. Parenting Anxious Pre-Schoolers and Elementary Schoolers

4. Anxiety and Parenting a Child with Anger Management Issues (spoiler: it’s probably anxiety related as well!)

5. Perfectionism and Parenting Your Highschooler

6. Preparing Your Highschooler for College

7. Out of the Nest: How to Parent Your Anxiety-Driven College Student

8. Moving Forward and Next Steps

That’s a lot of info… so why am I covering all of this?

Last week we talked about meditation at home vs. trying out a meditation class as a family.

For those of you who want to give meditation a try (and recognize it’s benefits for anxiety, anger management, and building compliance in your little ones), read on!

Floating leaves meditation:

Meditation practice is a huge part of what we work on in therapy. One of my favorite guided meditations that I utilize is called the floating leaves meditation. Rather than trying to switch your brain off or stop all thoughts, you want to just let them float by. 

I always recommend thy parents help to build a meditation practice together with their kids.

The trick is, though, like all other skills, meditation becomes so much easier with practice. That calm centeredness is much easier to recall and use when you’ve actually had some regular meditation practice.

Deciding between meditating in a class vs. trying meditation at home?

So, for those deciding between classes and at home, I would recommend at least trying a class to see if guided meditation feels easier than alone. Sometimes we get focused on stopping our thoughts (which is impossible) rather than just letting out thoughts gently pass us by, and a good meditation coach will help you still your thoughts in a non judgmental way, and will give you tips you can use at home.

The whole family can benefit from meditation and mindfulness practice, but it might be easier to do it together in your own space.

You can also try online or different apps for meditation

One of the most important components of stress management and a busy schedule is prioritizing.

A lot of the anxious, perfectionist teens and college students I work with feel overwhelmed by the amount of things to get done during the busy school year.

Rather than letting all of those tasks feel insurmountable, you can break down what needs to be done and when. Figure out the steps needed to reach your goal, and keep those steps really specific and time-sensitive (such as, "I need to research 10 articles for this upcoming history paper by Tuesday," vs. just "I need to start work on my history paper.")

Productivity is crucial, but so is restorative time.

It's also important for teens and college students to build in lots of self-regulation and coping time. So, schedule it in.

Along with breaking down homework into manageable, tasks, add 5 or 10 minutes of a guided meditation, walk outside, or listening to calm music.

Sunday scaries and college go hand in hand.

What are Sunday Scaries? That sense of dread before the work or school week starts back up again.

Some dread about the end of the weekend is common, but if it’s having a profound impact on you, it should be looked at

Stomach aches and headaches and anxiety in kids:

When does anxiety in children become a medical concern?

You may notice that your child is a worrier. When you schedule a babysitter, your kid has prepared a list of interview questions to ask the sitter before being ok with it. When you're 5 minutes late to picking them up, they're in tears. They need to walk through any potential problems and come up with five solutions whenever faced with a new situation. You're happy to help! But when is it too much?

Anxiety is a concern when it gets in the way of "typical" functioning.

While some kids are more prone to worries than others, anxiety becomes a concern when it impacts their day-to-day functioning. So, instead of being in tears that you're five minutes late, they've had a huge blow-up and are waiting for you in the principal's office. Or, walking in to school on the first day, they're paralyzed and can't move from your side. They have trouble maintaining friendships. They consistently experience stomachaches and headaches, due to their ongoing stress.

Recently, a journalist had reached out to therapists asking them for their top tips on how to banish toxic thoughts.

She had asked, for 2019, the top thoughts to banish and never think of again.

The problem? Banishing thoughts DOESN’T WORK!

From an acceptance and commitment therapy perspective, it’s actually a lot more useful to focus on allowing these thoughts to happen rather than banishing them.

You can let them pass you by, and come up with something that may feel more helpful, but telling a thought to STOP is like getting into a finger trap. The more and more you pull away, the tighter and tighter the thought holds on. 

When you fight a thought, you’re giving that thought so much more power than it actually has.

How much privacy should you give your children, and how does this vary by age?

As your child gets older, you should increase the amount of privacy they have, while still monitoring what's going on. We need to teach our teenagers increased independence, and part of this involves increased responsibility and less checking in. However, if your teen is breaking agreed upon family rules about curfew or location, I do think it's ok for parents to supply a logical consequence: increased monitoring.

Should you let your children know about the tracking devices you put on their phones?

The fact of the matter is, kids and teens can be pretty good at hiding things if they don't trust you to handle the information the way they want you to. So rather than sneaking around, I encourage parents to be very upfront about privacy policies in their house.

This can involve rules like, "We'll put a tracker on your phone, and we'll monitor it once on the weekends." Or "We're allowed to check your texts each night at a set time."

Most parents feel a little disconnected from their teen.

But that doesn't mean that your teenager should shut you out all the time, or that you shouldn't continue to make an effort to engage with them. There is a balance between giving them space to develop into the independent adults they'll become, and supporting their growth and development with regular check ins.

This can be especially difficult if your teen is often angry, at you and/or at others.

Below you'll find a few tips for helping your teen open up to you more, even if they have problems coping with their anger.

Internal emotions and external expression:

We all experience emotions internally and express them in slightly different ways from one another. We all have our inside emotional experiences and our outside displays of frustration, anger, and sadness.

When we experience a spike in emotions, it helps us know we may need to take the time to Stop and Think, using our Wizard Brain. Otherwise, our Lizard Brain might take over, leading to an explosive reaction.

Our Lizard Brain wants to react right away (it is in charge of fight, flight, and freeze, of course) – so if you notice yourself feeling heated, your Lizard Brain may tell you that you should explode and yell. However, if you take the time to stop and think “will I get in trouble if I explode?” you can make a wise decision, even when you start feeling upset.

How to help kids clue into their emotions:

Draw an outline of a body. It doesn’t have to be perfect! Try to get a head and arms and legs in there, and call it good.

Generalized anxiety disorder is the diagnostic name for kids, teens, and adults who meet the criteria. Oftentimes people will say they have anxiety, or general anxiety, without quite meaning that they meet all of the criteria. You can find a screening tool* for kids and for adults put together by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (*which gives you information, but you will want to meet with a counselor, social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist for a true screening). 

What makes anxiety a disorder?

Generally speaking, an anxiety disorder gets in the way of your everyday life, and is harder to manage. It comes up in multiple environments, so home and school, or work and home. 

Physical symptoms of anxiety - your body clues:

This week!

We’re looking at cooking together, family traditions, and gratitude.

Tip 10: Cook Together

When you cook with your kids, you teach them fundamental skills - and you get this great opportunity to teach yourself patience as well. Make something fun, and take deep breaths when they spill the flour everywhere.

When you cook together, you provide this possibility of your child having a positive memory forever. I still remember my dad letting me cut up the apples for a Thanksgiving pie when I was 8. Or my grandma letting me bake cakes with friends in her kitchen during highschool. Small things have a big impact.

Tip 7: Read Together

Some of my fondest memories of my grandmother are when we’d sit down together on the couch, teacups in hand (lots of milk and sugar in mine), and she’d read to me. Brothers Grimm or Roald Dahl or something she’d heard about from her work as a librarian. I’m 30 and I still remember the smell of her clean shirt and how safe and comfortable I felt.

Reading is a simple way to build connection with your kid. We’re not in charge of what memories really stick with them. So why not provide as many opportunities for positive, peaceful memories as you can?

Tip 8: Arts and Crafts