When Your Child Seems Disobedient or Disrespectful, What’s Really Going On?
(Advice from a Child Therapist in St. Louis.)
Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, LCSW
Hi! If you don’t know me, or have just stumbled upon this blog post, I wanted to do something a little different this week and introduce - or reintroduce - myself.
I’m Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Compassionate Counseling St. Louis. I’m the author of When Anxiety Makes You Angry, and you may have even come across me before in the news or at a local presentation. I’m around!
I’ve been working with kids and teens as a clinical therapist since 2012, and I specialize in helping families navigate anxiety, anger, and all the big emotions that often come out as big behaviors.
I’m also a mom of 2 little kids, so I definitely understand when feelings get overwhelming.
I care deeply about the kids who push our buttons - the ones who talk back, melt down, or seem to resist every limit - because underneath that defiance, there’s almost always something more. As both a therapist and a mom, I know how exhausting and confusing it can be. My goal is to help parents feel more confident and connected, even in the most challenging moments.
Anxiety therapy and counseling in St. Louis for the angry kids who push our buttons.
If your child has ever talked back, slammed a door, or flat-out refused to listen, you’ve probably asked yourself:
"Why are they being so disrespectful?"
Or maybe,
"Why won’t they just do what I ask?"
As a parent, it can be incredibly frustrating when your child seems oppositional. But as a child counselor in St. Louis, I want to offer a different perspective. One that’s rooted in understanding, not just discipline.
The Fight Response: When Anxiety Looks Like Anger
Most parents are familiar with the idea of "fight, flight, or freeze" as a stress response. What’s less commonly discussed is that some kids react to anxiety with a fight response - especially when they feel overwhelmed, out of control, or scared.
In these moments, their nervous system sees a threat (even if it’s just being asked to turn off the TV) and flips into survival mode. That might look like yelling, arguing, or storming off. And while it may seem like blatant disrespect, it can sometimes be masking an underlying issue with fear, stress, or even anxiety.
Gentle Parenting Isn’t Permissive Parenting
The team that I’ve built at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis takes a gentle yet structured approach.
We work closely with families, meaning that we don’t just provide individual therapy in a vacuum - we incorporate weekly parent check-ins, to hear from you and offer feedback when it’s warranted.
What often comes up is this fear that as parents, we are being permissive when we take a more gentle approach.
But really, gentle parenting isn’t about letting kids run the show - it’s about staying calm, holding boundaries, and understanding the why behind the behavior.
When kids feel safe, seen, and supported, they’re better able to regulate themselves. (That’s why our parent coaching helps families learn to set limits with confidence and compassion—not shame or fear.)
Parent Support Is Available!
Whether it’s anxiety or anger, our expert parenting coaches are ready to help you build your own parenting toolkit.
5 Tips to Respond Calmly and Effectively
Here are a few suggestions we often explore in parent check ins and our more in depth therapy for parent sessions:
Pause and breathe before responding.
Your calm response can help de-escalate your child’s heightened emotions. We all have mirror neurons which allow us to mirror the emotional state of others. When we’re calm and in charge, our kids will - eventually! - be able to calm down, too.Avoid threats or ultimatums.
Especially when it’s something you won’t follow through on. Don’t say you’ll take away the tv for a week unless you mean it. Instead, make consequences calm and logical. If we don’t put away your toys, we will donate what’s left out to a kid in need. No big deal! If you’d like some help, here I am. Avoid the power struggles and be super matter of fact.Watch out for shaming language.
Saying things like “You’re such a brat” or “You’re acting like a baby” labels your child instead of addressing the behavior. Try: “That tone isn’t okay. Let’s take a break and try again.”Reframe your language.
Instead of “You’re making us late again,” try “We’re running behind - what do you need to get out the door faster?”Consider the root cause.
Is your child tired? Hungry? Overwhelmed? Actually experiencing anxiety? Often, defiance is the noise and the underlying emotion is the signal. We get distracted by the noise.
Counseling in St. Louis for Families and Kids
At Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, we provide child counseling for kids as young as 3, support for teens and young adults, and parent coaching to help you manage the hard moments more effectively.
Our therapists don’t just follow one manual—we take a collaborative, personalized approach based on what works best for your child and family. Whether your child is dealing with anxiety, anger, or big transitions, we’re here to help you both feel more connected and supported.
Curious if your child’s behavior might be anxiety-driven?
Reach out today to learn more about our counseling and parent coaching services in St. Louis.
Curious to learn more about the support available at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis? Wondering if Compassionate Counseling St. Louis could be a good fit for you or your child? Reach out to us at hello@compassionatecounselingstl.com. As child anxiety experts, we love working with kids, teens, college students and parents to help manage their anxiety, stress, and anger. Compassionate Counseling St. Louis is located in Clayton, MO and works with families by offering both in-person counseling and online therapy throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Couer, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood. We also provide online therapy Missouri -wide to teens and college students. You can set up your first free consult on this website, on our consultation page.
