Perfectionism and the Fear of Failure: How to Succeed With Anxiety
Failure is really important.
If you’re worried about failing, chances are, you’re a teen or college student who wants to do well. We specialize in working with kids and teens who are consistently high performers in school. And a lot of times, underneath all that drive and ambition, there's a ton of anxiety.
With the start of a new school year, you’re probably starting to remember how much stress you experience with school. You worry about failing. But what if we figured out a way to use failure in order to move forward?
First thing’s first: Have you actually failed?
If you have anxiety and a high drive to succeed, you can get really sucked into this idea that you’re not good enough. So before you jump into problem solving mode, start by questioning your automatic assumption, ask yourself…
Did I really fail, or did I just not do as well as I wanted?
An A- is not actually failing, even if it feels like it.
It’s important to do well. It’s important to succeed. We love working with high achievers! But sometimes, that stress about being perfect gets in the way to you actually growing as a person, because your brain is so focused on not being good enough.
Nope, I actually did fail. Is that still ok?
We promise it’s not the end of the world - that’s just what your brain is telling you. Failure is an opportunity. Getting called out is a chance to grow. Getting criticized by your teacher is a way to become stronger. It feels so, so scary to fail - but getting through it is possible.
Here’s how to get through a failure:
Make meaning out of it
Find something that you can do differently next time, or incorporate this failure into your view of yourself not to someone who fails, but as someone who responds well to challenges and gets back on their feet.
Invite the feedback
Rather than just accepting a poor grade or poor performance report, elicit feedback from your teacher. This helps to give you an actual plan on how you can do better next time.
Remind yourself that failure is good for your brain
Growth mindset as a concept is really huge and schools right now, because it deals with how failures make you smarter. If you succeeded at everything, or if everything came easily to you, you wouldn't be challenging your brain in new ways and building stronger connections and pathways.
Take a step back
Before you can solve a problem, you have to identify how you’re feeling, and calm down from that overwhelming emotion. Take a few deep breaths. Bring to mind other times that you bounced back from a failure. And maybe consider changing the words - from "failure" to "future opportunity."
Look at the bigger picture
This failure is just one moment in time. It doesn’t say anything about you as a person, and it doesn’t mean you’re destined for terrible things in the future. This is one incident. Try reminding yourself, “It is what it is.”
Or say something like, “This stinks, but I can get through it.” You’re probably stronger than your anxious mind realizes!
Remind your anxious mind that failure, and perceived failure, is not the end of the world. Even though it feels like it. Failure is an opportunity to get better.
When failure holds you back and overwhelms you, it may be time to talk to an anxiety therapist.
Anxiety therapists, like our team at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis, recognize that perfectionism and anxiety can totally go hand in hand. And when your anxious perfectionism holds you back, it gets in the way of everything else.
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Sometimes you need support from your parents. Or you need to check in with your friends. Sometimes, if it feels too hard to deal with failure on your own, it’s good to meet with a therapist who works with you to challenge your automatic assumptions and helps you move forward, without fear of future failure.
You may need a little extra help in finding the best way to manage these anxious, perfectionistic, overwhelmed feelings. That’s where a therapist can really dive in and explore what’s been going on and help handle your overwhelm.
All of our therapists at Compassionate Counseling St. Louis have experience working with kids, teens and college students experiencing feelings of anxiety and anger. We’re here, and we’re ready to help.
Anxiety therapist Kelsey Torgerson Dunn is the author of When Anxiety Makes You Angry.
Curious to learn more about anxiety therapy in St. Louis? Compassionate Counseling St. Louis provides specialized anger management and anxiety therapy in St. Louis. \We work in Clayton, MO and serve kids, teens, and college students throughout St. Louis City, St. Louis County, Ladue, University City, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Coeur, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood. You can set up your free phone screening to see if we’re a good fit for your needs right on our website.