This month I’m sharing 12 Tips to help parents manage behaviors (and still have fun!) over winter break!

Winter break gives you a lot of unstructured time.

For kids and teens who run a little more anxious or overwhelmed, that unstructured time can lead to stress related behaviors. Yes, there’s a lot of fun to be had with family and presents and dinners and toys… and there’s a lot of potential for overwhelm.

When your kid is overwhelmed and acting out, it can feel like they’re ruining the holidays.

And you maybe feel bad for even thinking that… but the truth is, we put a lot of time and energy into making winter break and winter holidays fun. When things don’t go according to plan, or when we have our little one throwing a huge tantrum in front of your whole extended family, it can feel overwhelming for you as well!

How do we help with this?

We set up a framework for winter break that’s easy for everyone to follow.

Tip 1: Prepare

Tip 2: Set Clear Expectations

Tip 3: Time Management

Is your lizard brain taking over?

Everyone has a pre-frontal cortex and an amygdala. When we take in information to our brain, we either send it to our “lizard brain” or our “wizard brain.”

The BrainWise curriculum was designed to help kids build social and emotional control and self-regulation skills - perfect for anxious, angry kids and pre-teens. When I previously worked in the Saint Louis Counseling School Partnership Program, I received training in this program, and still use components of it in my practice today. To be clear, I’m not TECHNICALLY providing brainwise as I’m not maintaining really strict fidelity with the model. And honestly, I felt parts of the program were not so helpful - but the framework can be good to keep in mind for parents and teachers, as you work on helping your children and students take a step back and make better decisions.

Below you’ll find an brief summation of the different BrainWise modules.

If you’re interested in finding more about BrainWise, or you have questions about the model that you want answered by an expert, you can email info@brainwise-plc.org

Don’t judge yourself!

Many people report experiencing panic attacks about panic attacks. Of course it makes sense to wish that you didn’t have to experience them. Or to wish that you were different. But when we judge ourselves, we can make this an unhealthy cycle - the panic, the guilt about the panic, the panic about the guilt about the panic… it’s a panic cycle! So break the cycle, and be kind to yourself. And practice your steps, even before you need them.

What language do you use when talking to yourself?

When you make a mistake, do you tell yourself, "Well, I can try again next time. I can address X, Y, or Z and that may help"? Or do you say, "I'm an idiot. This is useless. There's no point in trying"?

Not so surprisingly, one of those thoughts is more helpful than the other. And it's not just adults who engage in these negative, unhelpful cognitions. Children are particularly prone to negative self-talk, especially if positive self-talk or thought flipping is not modeled for them. 

One of the most important components of stress management and a busy schedule is prioritizing.

A lot of the anxious, perfectionist teens I work with feel overwhelmed by the amount of things to get done during the busy school year.

Rather than letting all of those tasks feel insurmountable, you can break down what needs to be done and when.

Step by step.

Figure out the steps needed to reach your goal, and keep those steps really specific and time-sensitive (such as, "I need to research 10 articles for this upcoming history paper by Tuesday," vs. just "I need to start work on my history paper.")

“I’m not eating that! Gross!”

When you go to a restaurant, you bring an extra meal for your kid. You and your partner make dinner, and your little one has a whole separate menu for themselves. You'd rather have them eat something than nothing, but you're almost worried that if they eat another chicken nugget, they're going to turn into one. 

Why are kids such picky eaters?

There are a lot of different reasons that kids can be picky eaters - but part of the underlying issue can be anxiety - and not just fear of new foods. 

They'll only eat mayonnaise on white bread. Or they'll eat applesauce on Tuesdays and Tuesdays alone. That picky eating can be part of their exerting control on a little corner of their world. The feel overwhelmed and anxious about everything else, so at least they have a say on what they eat and when.

Anxious kids can also have sensory processing issues with food as well.

And in times like these, it may be helpful to have them meet with an occupational therapist who can help with their eating issues.

5 steps to help parents of picky eaters (read more…)

As an anxious kid, teen, or college student, it makes total sense that you would want to avoid school.

Anxious minds tell us about all the bad things that could potentially happen, and schools are rife with possibilities when it comes to catastrophe. Just off the top of my head, you could worry about:

• Missing your mom and dad

• Getting a bad grade

• People talking bad about you

• People not wanting to play with you

• Getting in trouble

• Having a teacher yell at you

• Making a silly mistake

• Hearing a super loud fire drill

• Getting kidnapped on your walk home

• Forgetting all of your homework

• Taking a test

And on and on and on…

Those fears are legion - and as soon as you feel like you vanquish one school fear foe, another one can come up and take its place.

With all that in mind, of course it feels easier to stay at home.

Unfortunately, the longer you wait to get to school, the more and more challenging it will be to actually cross that threshold and deal with anxiety at school.

But we have to take that first step. And we can!

Sleeping is crucial to our wellbeing.

When we get a full night’s rest, we’re better able to handle the challenges of our day. Our bodies are rested, our brains are active, and we’re more able to utilize our pre-frontal cortex to think through the pros and cons of how we’re interacting to the world around us.

A lack of sleep impacts everything.

We’re grumpy, we’re less focused, and we’re more stressed out. Our brains produce more stress hormones on less sleep. And a lack of sleep builds and builds - one day vs. seven days has a huge difference.

In fact, kids who don’t get enough consistent sleep can be misdiagnosed with ADHD.

They’re more prone to hyperactivity, impulsivity, and poor reasoning.

So when your child can’t sleep, or won’t sleep, you know it’s a big deal. How can you help?

Perfectionist kids, teens, and college students have trouble ignoring their perfectionistic tendencies and focusing on the challenge at hand.

Our brains prevent us from fully engaging because they get so worried about what a poor grade, poor score, or poor performance means about us. Many times, the kids and teens I work with will engage in an anxious spiral. It usually looks something like:

• If I get less than an A on this test, that means I have a bad grade

• If I have a bad grade, that means I’m doing poorly in this class

• I might even fail this class

• And other classes

• And I’ll barely graduate highschool

• And I won’t get into the college I want

• And I won’t be able to go to medical school

• Which means I’ll never be a doctor

• My life will be ruined

But when we take a step back, we can see that the anxiety spiral is little bit out of control.

There’s no way, when we use logic, that getting less than an A on your test means that you’re life is ruined. Our anxious minds just tell us this because they want us to be prepared for the worst case scenario.

Social anxiety! Almost everyone has it.

I'm sure the majority of us, at one point or another, has experienced anxiety about socializing with somebody. That little bit of trepidation before you walk into your first day of work, that hiccup of anxiety as you enter a party, or that discomfort when the person sitting next to you on a plane just keeps asking you questions.

But, those small social anxieties are very different from social phobia.

Rather than experiencing a small amount of anxiety that we can easily push through, having a social phobia means that anxiety is debilitating. You're too anxious about that party, so you never go in in the first place. Rather than going to work on your first day, you call in sick or make up an excuse. 

After sexual assault, rape, or abuse, it’s important to offer support tailored to the survivor.

Some may want to walk through all the details, and others won’t want to talk about it at all. It’s also important to recognize that you can help by getting the survivor to a trained professional - a doctor if there’s been any kind of physical trauma, the police to file a report, and a counselor or psychologist to help with the mental aftermath.

Not everyone who experiences sexual assault will have trauma or ptsd afterward.

But it’s important to look out for the signs, like nightmares, flashbacks, angry outbursts, feeling jumpy, or feeling “out of control.” …

I specialize in both anxiety and anger management for a reason.

Anxiety and anger have a lot in common. If you've ever experienced feelings of anxiety before, consider those physical cues - racing heart, shortness of breath, dilated eyes, inability to focus or concentrate, muscles tensed and ready for action. 

Now, think about the last time you were angry. How your face felt hot and your fists tensed up. How your heart started to beat faster because you were ready for a fight. Your brain focused only on the thing that made you feel this way.

At one point or another, everyone will experience a loss or death - and some of us experience this in high school or college. So how do you deal with the aftermath? DABDA, social media, and reaching out - but there are considerations for everything. 

DABDA 

Many have heard of "the stages of grief"- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. However it's crucial to remember that this isn't a linear progression. You may move through stages in a different order. You may circle back. All of these feelings are acceptable, but allow yourself to recognize that there isn't a correct way or correct order to go through the aftermath of a death or loss in your life. …

When you're looking down the road at another school year, fast approaching, you may be experiencing anxiety. For those of us with more anxious minds, our thoughts start spinning on to "what else can I do, what's coming next, what do I have to worry about, what is going to go wrong this year..."

That's stressful!

So what can you do about it? …

So, here are some tips for starting the school year off right.

Here you are, preparing for the big move: COLLEGE.

And this year is going to be different. You're excited about your coursework, you’re jazzed about meeting new people your age (yes, I'm the kind of lame therapist who uses words like "jazzed"), and you're pumped (also, "pumped") about all of the exciting new opportunities and challenges coming your way.

You've got goals! And plans! So how do you actually follow through on them in college?

Have SMART goals: make sure your resolution is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely.

Summer's over, yet again...

And the end of summer can lead to some blue feelings, especially for the start of the school year (highschool, college, even graduate school). And while there can be excitement at the start of the new school year, it can be hard to deal with the anxiety.

Typically, the teens and college students I work with tell me they worry about a more busy schedule, more expectations put on them by parents and teachers, or just knowing that there's less time to fit in impromptu socializing with friends. 

What are some ways you could combat the anxiety and sadness that comes with summer ending? Read more here…

Before opening my private practice...

I worked in schools for a few years, and would often get paired with kids referred for anger management. They'd lose their temper, would knock over desks or run out of the room, and teachers were always at their wit's end.

Of course when that kid got called down to my office, they thought they were in trouble.

It took a few sessions for them to start realizing that I was on their side. And once they became more comfortable, they were willing to start opening up about all the different emotions they experienced. We'd build up relaxation strategies for these different strong feelings, and oftentimes just being told that they weren't the only kid like this helped them to feel better and more in control. One challenge, though, was getting parents and teachers on board to help them see and focus on the positive changes, rather than just the negative behaviors still occurring…

Is generalized anxiety disorder the same as general anxiety? What is the best way to treat children with anxiety disorders?

Generalized anxiety disorder is the diagnostic name for kids, teens, and adults who meet the criteria. Oftentimes people will say they have anxiety, or general anxiety, without quite meaning that they meet all of the criteria. You can find a screening tool* for kids and for adults put together by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (*which gives you information, but you will want to meet with a counselor, social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist for a true screening)…